Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The pants

I've got a giddy smile on my face as I prepare to visit the latest man in my life.  It's relatively new relationship, so I'm extra thoughtful about how I get ready, from the hot steamy shower, to the simple flowing clothes, the easy-to-remove jewelry, and a healthy breakfast.  After all, I want to be at my best – I’ve got to get the most out of this time with him.

Before I can go to see my fantastic new chiropractor, Dr. David, I drop my kids off at their classroom, then leisurely head to my car, saying my good mornings to lots of parents making their way to class.  I stop for a while and chat with a few mom friends in the busy parking lot, talking about this and that, bullies, budget cuts, etc.  Aware of my impending appointment time, I say my good-byes and start my twenty minute drive to the doctor’s office.

On my slow way there in crappy traffic, I think about how grateful I am to find this doctor.  He’s exactly what I ordered from The Universe (thank you Universe!!).  He’s mild mannered with a light sense of humor, a little “crunchy” but not totally out there, well practiced and skilled, and interested in all-over health and well-being.  My beloved chiropractor, Dr. Diane, retired a few years ago and I haven’t quite been the same since then.  When I regularly go to a good chiropractor, I feel better because not only do the treatments help tremendously, but I take better care of myself, too.  It’s like getting in a great workout at the gym and for lunch most likely skipping the burger and soda in favor of a nice salad with a tall glass of water.  I care more about my body and health - I’m more aware and I like feeling better, so I want to keep the positive momentum going forward. 

When I arrive, I sit in the waiting room for a few minutes, already feeling more relaxed as I listen to nature sounds coming through the speakers, take in the interesting art work, and marvel at the large sand pendulum hanging in the middle of the room.  Not your typical doctor’s office, but rather expected and welcomed at this alternative practice. I make a mental note to google “hanging pendulum with sand” when I get home since I’m not exactly sure about the purpose and I don’t want to ask the doctor and sound really lame and not with it.  I grew up around lots of crunchy, so I most certainly should know these things.

Dr. David escorts me into the treatment room, and hands me a hospital green gown to cover my top half.  As I’m getting on the gown, I reach my hand around the back to secure the ties and that’s when I stumble upon The Situation.  I feel a massive rip in my pants right next to the middle vertical seam...right...where...my...buttocks is!  My rear is totally exposed!  How many people saw my jiggly ass peeking out this morning?   A few dozen?  Hundreds?  Flashback to junior high when my close friend Sandi got her period for the first time all over her white pants on picture day of all days and having to call her mom to pick her up and me loaning her my sweatshirt to wrap around the awful red stains .  Yes, it was really her, not me.  Okay, well, put into perspective, my pants story is not as humiliating as hers and definitely not as bad as The Fear, but what the heck do I do now?  Do I take off my pants, too, and just wear the short gown.  Nope.  Do I wrap and hang my shirt around my waist like poor Sandi?   Nope.  My plan of action...come clean to the doctor and hope for the best as I'm sure he's seen far far worse than a little butt cheek reveal.  

So, I put my pride aside and calmly tell him about The Situation and that I'm a little embarrassed and "just try your best not to look, okay?"   He smiles and chuckles a bit and goes on to tell me about his first ever chiropractic adjustment on a patient.  He squatted down and heard a big rip and his pants split and now he has a long lab coat in his office for just such occurrences.  I feel much better.  I really like this doctor.  

Maybe it's kind of like when you are first dating and you are on your best behavior.  You don't dare burp or fart or get food on your face - that kind of stuff.  The first time one person has a slip up, then the ice is broken and you can both let your guard down and start getting more real. Me and my new chiropractor?  Yep. We bonded alright.

I don't know how I would've felt if The Situation happened in my early twenties.  I probably would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay more horrified.  Now, I feel like more of a veteran of such things, after all, I popped out twins for the ENTIRE maternity floor to see.  I'm not kidding.  Walking down the street to my car after the appointment, I didn't even cover up.  Who cares, really?  So much so, that I can go home and write about it for all the whole world to read, or maybe just my five loyal readers.  It's totally fine.  I've changed my pants and I'm okay.  Really.    


  1. Oh, poor you!! That feeling of "OMG what am I going to do?" And then you told him and all was well. Really lovely.

    I so relate to your sense of how you would have responded in your 20's. I think if that would have happened to me when I was 20 I might have just fallen over dead( or at least wanted to).;-)

    Thank you so much for your comment on my blog and for following it as that allowed me to follow you back and get to know you and your blog! I will be back!:-))

  2. Oh man, that was a good one! LOL!
    I think though, because you are in such great shape that its definitely less embarassing than if it, say, happened to ME!
    You are such a trooper! And what a nice doc you found.

  3. I think subconsciously you wanted your hot doc to see your cute butt

  4. Your mother found my blog today and left kind comments that included information about your blog, so here I am...even before I visit her blog. I just thought it was the sweetest thing for a mom to do on Mother's Day and I was really touched. My mom passed in 2000 so this little exchange meant a lot.

    I have monthly massage and I totally agree with you that with that kind of care you take better overall care of yourself. In fact I can feel myself slipping in the week prior to when I'm due for massage. I'd have two a month if I could. :)

    In the world of synchronicity...La Belette Rouge and I follow one another's blogs and her comment to me today preceded Belette's by three hours!