The normally optimistic and upbeat me is temporarily replaced by the overtired hasn’t-had-a-decent-night-sleep-in-weeks cranky unmotivated teetering on the edge me. A few restless nights, hey, I can deal with it, but after what feels like a month of unsatisfying (and unacceptable) sleep and I’m starting to lose it. I think I've kept up a pretty good front to most people (or so I think), but I can't hold on much longer - I'm just too damn tired.
How do I know I’m lost it? Oh, where do I start. I put the full carton of half-and-half in the cupboard with the coffee cups, which is exactly where my husband found it. I blamed it on the cat. I went to click on my icon to sign in on the computer, and I pushed the off button instead. I specifically went to Target during my lunch break to buy a new R2D2 because I desperately want to take new funny pictures and I’m tired of looking for Quinn’s missing R2D2…but I left Target with only dish soap, hand lotion, and a Kit-Kat bar. And, thinking about that makes me want to cry. How totally pathetic. Not only am I having trouble spelling, but I’m even having trouble thinking of words to type this post…that store with the red round sign? Ummm...ummm...Zzzzzz…
I think back to the first several months of being a new breastfeeding mommy of twins and I don’t know how I did it. Those hungry babies ate at least every two hours and didn’t sleep through the night until around seven months old. I was in a constant state of fog and raw emotions, but somehow we all made it through healthy, still married, and even picked up a few new friends. A total miracle, I say. If I could make it through that ultimate sleep deprivation test, then I can handle this, right? Then why do I feel like such a wimp?
What is the answer to my current state of mind? Turn out the lights and sleep under my desk? Considering I need about 36 hours of uninterrupted sleep, that might not do the trick. I certainly can’t do much about my children’s awful coughing cold that has exasperated my current exhausted state. Even if I ate a ton of turkey for dinner, drank valerian herbal tea, meditated, and went to bed with earplugs at 8:00 p.m., I know there is a good chance I would still toss and turn. It’s like when the kids have a horrible night sleep, no nap, and an early bed-time, I guarantee they will wake up ready to play at 5:00 a.m. – it’s the overtired and wired thing that is hard to shake. Plus, over-thinking it always makes things worse and then it becomes a mental struggle, too.
In the meantime, I’ll be selective about what I say to people (now is not the time to confront any nagging relationship issues) and play loud music during my long and slow commute home to avoid sleeping at the wheel. I must not watch Lost right before I go to bed. Reading is much better for relaxing, only, my eyes are too tired. And, lots and lots of under-eye concealer. Oh, and a box of tissue handy for my unexpected weepy moments that I'm having so many of lately. Where are you R2…I need you!?!?!