Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Transformations

I can't help but notice something lately. Not only is our country (and the world for that matter) going through a major upheaval, but it also seems like almost everyone that I talk to these last few months is going through this, too, but on a personal level. I'm hearing major stuff like divorce, marriages on the brink, unexpected deaths, job loss (including my own), ending of unhealthy friendships, emotional meltdowns, huge life changes, and general distress. Of course, that's all normal life stuff that happens all the time. What strikes me as unusual is not only the increased incidences of these things, but the fact that so people are taking a look at their lives and doing a personal inventory of the good and the not so good...and talking about it.

I choose to see it as people going through life transformations rather than a crisis. And it makes total sense. People are scared, uncertain, uneasy, angry, sad, desperate, etc., so no wonder we would search inward for a way to feel better about our lives. The digging deep, the asking for help and support, questioning our values and choices, and the admitting we might not know all the answers are all things that take a lot of courage. This can feel terrifying, but strangely liberating and empowering. When I was told my job position would soon be changing from part-time at home to full-time in the office only, I was given a choice, and without hesitation I chose to let go of my job. But, you know something - my decision left me feeling liberated and peaceful. Ya, I'm a little worried and apprehensive and have experienced a few twinges of "Am I crazy?", but I quickly talk myself out of it and go back to that calm place of optimism and no regrets.

While I was growing up, my single sole provider hard working mom didn't have the opportunity for a choice - she had to work because no one else was around to pay the rent or buy groceries for us. Spend a few months rediscovering herself and contemplating the unlimited possibilities for her future? Sadly, she could not afford that kind of luxury. While my unemployment won't be without sacrifice, being available for my young children is what I chose and luckily I have the full support of my husband. And, my always supportive mom, although admitting her slight envy, reminds me what a great opportunity I have to discover a career or life path that I love. Ya, in my mind, it’s totally worth the “sacrifice”.

I want to grant myself the gift of some personal freedom for a while. I rarely allow myself to dream, let alone dream big, for my future. I'm the realistic one - the grounded and loyal Taurus. I am the stable rock for so many – the one that people feel comfortable confiding in without judgment. I do like that about myself and it's very rewarding. However, I know I hold myself back from real success and risky possibilities. Do I not think I'm worthy of that? Am I so afraid to fail that I never take a chance? Do I have what it takes? Am I too worried about being judged for my ideas and goals? Or is that how I used to be and how I still see myself and I need to work on more realistic self-perceptions? I know I need to go through a lot of self-discovery to find answers to these questions and probably many more. It’s certain I have my own transformation coming soon (or has it already started?). I can only hope that those I support through rough times will understand when I’m not so steady and be there for me when I’m a total wreck. Hint: I do well when pushed a bit (but not too much) and don’t always listen to me when I say “no” to offers of help or fun. After all, I’m kind of stubborn don’t you know…and a work in progress.

2 comments:

  1. My eyes are welled up as I am reading this. I understand the feeling of making a decision that doesn't seem logical, but your gut knows is right. While scary, the possibilities are exciting! You definately have what it takes and you will not only survive, you will thrive... and be fabulous!

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  2. I think if there was ever a time to relect and reconsider, its now, for many of us. You are right that the choice to stay home and be the main caregiver to your children is not only rewarding now, but unregrettable come the future. You are entitled to be yourself, and to dream, and to transform. Your dreams of personal freedom will become a reality because you've earned them by completing the toughest training of your life...motherhood.

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Thoughts?